Getting out of Stuck: Navigating the Internal Battle Between Progress and Safety
Or, what to do when you've done the work but can't bring yourself to share it
Here’s my theory on what happens when we get stuck.
It’s not that we don’t know what to do next, or that we lack the willpower or the discipline.
It’s that a part of us doesn’t feel safe.
Essentially we have one foot on the mental accelerator and the other on the brake.
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And no, it’s not just you, almost everyone has something they get stuck around.
Here are some real examples that have come up in recent weeks:
Maybe you’ve written a kickass client proposal but you can’t send it out for days.
Maybe you’ve written an entire year’s worth of Substack articles but haven’t hit publish on any of them yet.
Maybe you’ve made your new website but still haven’t sent the email to your network saying “this is what I do now”.
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We each contain multitudes.
Inside you there is the grown-up you who mostly drives the ship (hopefully!), many versions of your inner child from different moments in your life, avatars of your parents, and many others.
And the parts of you all want different things.
So one or a few parts of you can be ready to do something new and bold, and some other parts can be stuck in the mud, quietly or loudly making clear that for them this step is a hard “no”.
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At this point, a lot of “experts” out there will tell you to do it anyway: Just hold your breath and press publish, send that email, get on that stage…
And while occasionally you do have to push through (i.e. when you actually have a big deadline), pushing through again and again is actually unhelpful in the long run.
In fact, pressing “send” or “publish” when your nervous system is clearly shouting “no” may even be re-traumatizing the part of you that doesn’t feel safe.
You’re telling your body, your heart, and your inner child that their opinion doesn’t matter.
And when you don’t listen to them, they’ll only keep shouting louder, sabotaging you in even more unhelpful ways.
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So what can you do instead?
You make time to hear out the part of you that’s pressing the brake.
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Start by articulating what you’re afraid of…
Is it that publicity will draw jealousy or bullies?
Is it that you won’t be able to handle the rejection if your proposal gets a no or is met with total silence?
Is it that you don’t want your old colleagues to see you in the messy middle of your next chapter?
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Once you know the flavor of your fear, think about where you learned that this outcome is an existential risk.
Grown-up you knows how to handle rejection and people talking behind your back. But, for example, for your teenage self - the part of you who tried to survive at that age where survival requires being in the in-crowd- that self’s experience of rejection and malicious gossip could have created a wound you’ll do anything not to reopen.
Or, perhaps, the wound is younger, perhaps your parents were abusive when you didn’t hit a target they set, and now your inner child is waiting for the other shoe to drop and prove you really were stupid all along.
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Once you know where it comes from you can have a chat with your inner child from that age.
This can be as simple as just closing your eyes, visualizing her or having a conversation or journaling back and forth, one message from her and replying as you now.
Here are a few prompts I offer my clients:
Ask your inner child what she’s afraid of… and reply with what you know now about that fear.
Ask her what happened to make her so scared… and reply with what you wish someone had told her then.
Ask her what she needs now… and tell her you’re always here to listen and try and give her what she needs.
Cry with her if she needs to release the sadness she’s been carrying for too long.
And sit with her while she lets go of the need to protect you from something grown-up you can handle.
If you’re done being stuck and need a helping hand, shoot me a DM and we can start the process of getting you and your inner child rowing in the same direction.